Love Is In The Details

“Love makes the world go ‘round.” Perhaps there is no more used or overused word like “LOVE.” I would imagine that the number one word or theme in most genres of music is love and relationships. Many, if not most, people are fascinated and driven by love or what they assume to be love. Many questions immerge as we think about love. Why is it so important? What really is love? How do people feel loved? And as Tina Turner asked, “What’s love got to do with it?” The simple answer to Tina’s question is EVERYTHING!

In January 2022 I made a commitment to spend the year digging deeper into the Old Testament. Sometimes the OT gets de-emphasized or dismissed in our modern culture, and I wanted to have an informed answer if I’m ever in one of those conversations on controversial issues. As is common when people start reading through the OT, we can get bogged down in Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers. However, this time I was seeing things that I had not seen before, and it was actually enlightening. As I was wading through the extreme minutia of the sacrificial system, skin infections, celebrating festivals, the building of the tabernacle, etc., I began asking myself the question, why has God put so much energy and specificity into every conceivable category of the sacrificial system? The attention to detail is obvious and could be way too much for people who don’t like to live in the weeds, like me.

There are specific details for intentional and unintentional sins. There are details for a sin offering, peace offering, food offering, grain offering, guilt offering, festivals, and I don’t even want to get into the details about skin diseases and bodily discharges. For one kind of sacrifice in Numbers 15:4-5 God says, “he who brings his offering shall offer to the Lord a grain offering of a tenth of an ephah of fine four, mixed with a quarter of a hin of oil; and you shall offer with the burnt offering or for the sacrifice, a quarter of a hin of wine for the drink offering for each lamb.” God doesn’t just want His people to bring an offering made of flour, oil, and wine with your sacrificed meat offering. He specifically says, in our measurements, bring 2 liters of flour, a gallon of oil, and a gallon of wine. For a peace offering in Leviticus 3:6-11, “…an animal from the flock, male or female, he shall offer it without blemish. If he offers a lamb for his offering, then he shall offer it before the Lord, lay his hand on the head of his offering, and kill it in front of the tent of meeting; and Aaron’s sons shall throw its blood against the sides of the altar. Then from the sacrifice of the peace offering he shall offer as a food offering to the Lord its fat; he shall remove the whole fat tail, cut off close to the backbone, and the fat that covers the entrails and all the fat that is on the entrails and the two kidneys with the fat that is on them at the loins and the long lobe of the liver that he shall remove with the kidneys. And the priest shall burn it on the altar as a food offering to the Lord.” Wow, so detailed!! In the building of the Tabernacle and Tent of Meeting God gives exact measurements in Exodus 26 and picks the colors of the curtains: blue, purple, and scarlet. It’s like God is the original DIY and HGTV architect and designer.

As we finish wading through all of the rules and statutes we begin to immerge on dry land as we start reading in the book of Deuteronomy. Moses wants to give a history lesson, reemphasize the covenant, and give final instructions before the Jews go into the Promised Land and live out these commandments. In Deut. 6:1 Moses says, “Now this is the commandment—the statutes and the rules—that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you, that you may do them in the land to which you are going over, to possess it,… And then in what seems like an attempt to sum up all 600 plus commandments he says in v.5, “You shall LOVE the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.”

Now we are back to Tina Turner’s question: “What’s love got to do with it?” Great question. On the surface the sacrificial system, rules, and statutes seem to be a tedious list of do’s and don’ts. Stuff you just have to do whether you like it or not. It is just part of the deal when you are in a covenant relationship, and it would be simple to just write it all off as Old Testament Law. However, there seems to be a very clear principle that the LORD is requiring of His people. It is a principle of love, an opportunity to display devotion, to be intentional, obey, worship, and show their LORD that He is the most important priority in their life. To demonstrate that He is their life, and He is their Master. These amazingly significant details seem to be God saying this is what it means to love me. This is how I define love, receive love.

As Christ followers we may want to quickly turn to the New Testament and start living by grace. And you might think that is the right play except for a conversation Jesus has with some Jewish leaders and a specific Pharisee, who happens to be a lawyer. The Jewish lawyer asked Jesus, “Teacher which is the great commandment in the Law?” And Jesus answered him, “You shall LOVE the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall LOVE your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend ALL of the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:36-40, emphasis is mine)

Jesus is basically going back to Deuteronomy and agreeing, affirming, and restating Moses’ summary of the commandments, rules, and statutes by saying LOVE God and LOVE others. Jesus says in John 14:15, “If you love me, you will keep (obey) my commandments.” Obviously, there is a very significant connection between Love and Actions. Yahweh, the covenant name used between God and Israel, was extremely clear how Israel would show and demonstrate their love for God and toward God. With all your heart, soul, and mind shows the Attitude we are to display when doing these actions. They were to live out these details with an attitude of joy and gratitude because He was/is worthy of this honor. It was their way of exalting, magnifying, and glorifying the One and Only God who chose them and brought them out of slavery into a land flowing with milk and honey. It was a pleasure and honor to obey Yahweh’s commandments because of their deep love for Him. In a sense God defined what it meant to love Him and the attitude one should have in loving Him. Therefore, love must have a whole lot to do with specific actions and a joyful attitude.

In the New Testament, we see another facet of love as it relates to specific actions and attitudes. Love is sacrifice. Jesus says in Luke 9:23, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” I must deny myself and die to myself for someone else or something else. Jesus again in John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” And then on the cross we see the greatest specific act of love and attitude as Jesus says, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) Truly unbelievable!!! Paul writes about the relationship between a husband and wife in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” Paul also writes what is often called the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13 which contains a plethora of specific actions to do and not to do as well as appropriate attitudes.

With all of this specific biblical teaching on love and modeling of love, it would seem that we would be very clear on what love is and what love requires. Yet love still seems to be a mystery even for Christians. It certainly doesn’t help that we receive a daily onslaught of definitions and pictures of love from the entertainment world, social media, and culture. (Talk about misinformation).

I watched a movie recently and the female main character was in love with the male main character and he just couldn’t make the commitment. She finally gave up and was ready to move when miraculously, he came to his senses and was ready to proclaim his undying love and commitment to her. In this amazingly “romantic” scene he says something like this: “I have realized that I cannot live without you and my life will be totally incomplete and unfulfilled if you are not in it.” Of course, she melts into his arms and everyone is happy. Except that what he was saying has nothing to do with love. He was basically saying I love me, and because I love me, I need you to make me happy and have any sense of meaning in my life. As a matter of fact, that is the opposite of love. It sounds like something between selfishness and narcissism. For sure it is codependency (I need you to feel good about me) which is an ugly word and a death sentence for any relationship.

As Biblical followers of Jesus, we know from the Bible that true love has to do with specific actions and appropriate attitudes, and these actions and attitudes require some level of sacrifice, or a denying of self. Our journey is to learn and discover what those specific actions are that make others “feel” loved. Now I hesitate to use the word feel. We live in a culture where people think with their feelings and are allowing those feelings to drive their identity and actions. That is an article for another day. Nevertheless, I am writing to followers of Jesus seeking biblical answers. Therefore, I want to give a caveat for using the word “feel.” I am talking about feelings in the sense of what a reasonable human being who desires a somewhat healthy, happy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship.

This idea of discovering what makes people feel loved is a fairly common-sense idea. If someone wanted to give a gift card to a friend or loved one to a restaurant it is fairly reasonable that you would pick a restaurant that has food your friend likes. If they don’t eat meat you might not choose Texas Roadhouse. If they are a diabetic it would be insensitive to give them a gift card to Krispy Kreme. While you are giving them a gift/offering, it might not be received as a gift of love.

The Five Love Languages book comes from this understanding of love. However, I believe the offering of love to people so that they experience affirmation and love is much deeper and more intimate than just doing one or two of a person’s potential love languages. I have counseled many married couples through the years and heard a common phrase at some point during the counseling session. Either the husband or the wife would point toward their spouse and say, he/she just doesn’t love me. To which their spouse would respond by saying, of course I love you. Immediately we can understand there is a disconnect. Through the years I have learned it usually means one spouse does not feel loved. Perhaps the negligent spouse is simply ignorant of this concept and has never been taught how to think in these terms. Or, he/she may have real barriers to their ability to love like this and we need to unpack what has happened to their heart that is blocking their inability to express love. Or maybe he/she truly doesn’t love or care for their spouse. This last one can be most painful, especially for the unloved spouse. I always hope it is just a matter of ignorance and hoping both people will commit to learning and discovering what makes the other feel loved. Unfortunately, that is rare.

The point is every person seems to have a specific list of things that make them feel loved, or a way in which he/she defines what love is to them. Every person has their spoken or unspoken definition of what makes them feel loved. If you have more than one child, you know this is true. Part of our responsibility is to learn and understand what that definition is or people around us may not feel like we love or care for them. If you are married it would be very helpful to ask your spouse if he/she feels loved? It is very important to know.

A friend may ask you to help him move or sit with her at the hospital. If we say I don’t move people, or I am too busy to come to the hospital. That friend may hear, “you don’t love me.” A son asks his father to play a game with him, throw baseball, help with homework, and the father not available. He hears “you do not love me.” A daughter wants to have a play picnic and serve you lemonade or tea and you say I can’t. She hears “you do not love me.” Your teenager asked you to talk but it’s 11:00pm at night and you say, “I’m going to bed, it’s late.” He/she hears, “you don’t love me.” A wife asked you to rub her feet and you say, “I don’t touch feet.” She hears “you don’t love me.” A husband says to his wife, “let’s get involved in some hobby or play some activity.” She says, “I don’t like playing games.” Or he would like his wife to be more attentive to sexual needs, but she is not interested. He hears, “I don’t love you.” So perhaps, in an attempt to be faithful to God, we decide to just suck it up and persevere in the relationship. However, we cannot just stay in the marriage as an expression of love while being grumpy, critical, and bitter. The attitude negates the actions. A spouse might think it would be better to leave since they are becoming resentful and bitter. No, it would be better if you were not resentful and bitter. This is where the biblical teaching of sacrifice becomes a significant part of denying self for a greater good and committing to creating environments where people feel loved. Of course, as Christ followers these things that make people feel loved should not and cannot violate Scripture. But the point is that love really is in the details.

It is not always easy to discover the specific actions that make others feel loved and cared for, then prioritize them in your daily life. Some people cannot even verbalize what makes them feel loved. Also, it is vital to make the sacrifice and offering with joy and positive emotions rather than being angry, resentful, or bitter. For the Jews going through hundreds of sheep to find a perfect one year old male without any spots and extremely healthy is a sacrifice. It might be nice to just grab the first one that comes to you or take an unhealthy, lame, or sick lamb that is going to die anyway. They might wonder why they have to take their best lamb and kill it?

Perhaps that is what happened to Cain whose offering was not accepted. Perhaps he took short cuts, gave less, gave the wrong amounts, or threw something together at the last minute. His actions displayed an unacceptable offering/sacrifice and his attitude showed he did not believe God was worthy of more. He gets angry that God does not accept his offering and he becomes resentful and bitter toward his brother. Cain might be in the tribe that says, “you get what you get, and don’t pitch a fit.” However, that attitude is not the way you respond to someone you love and honor. Even before the Law there were appropriate actions and attitudes that people could demonstrate love and honor to God. Abel knew how to do it.

There are some who call themselves Christ followers while living this “get what you get” mindset towards God and others. They would never say it out loud, but their actions and attitude confirm this belief. They may show up occasionally to Sunday worship, read their Bible if they have time, believe some of the Bible but not the outdated anti-cultural parts, throw in a $10 bill during the offering, serve when it is convenient, and obey some of the commandments. Sharing the gospel and making disciples at home and around the world may be desires and thoughts but not reality. Giving sacrificially to Kingdom causes are not a priority. They are basically telling God, “you get what you get, and don’t pitch a fit.” And like Cain (Gen.4:5), and the person who received one talent (Matt. 25:30), their offering is rejected.

It is a great lesson for us as we try to embrace this vital understanding of what love is, as we seek to Love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength and Love others as we love ourselves. God desires our complete devotion and denial of selfish wants and desires. Surrender and sacrifice are a normal part of our relationship with Him as He modeled sacrifice in giving His precious unblemished Lamb. Therefore, we should gladly and with great joy sacrifice, deny self, and surrender all for King Jesus and His Kingdom. He is worthy of every single specific act of love that we offer. And He is fully worthy of us doing those actions with a heart of joy as we bring glory and honor to His magnificent Name.

As God has clearly defined what that means in our relationship with Him, we must be faithful, courageous, and willing to sacrifice and suffer for the glory of His Name. And we must be equally diligent and intentional to learn what it means to express love and care for the specific people God has placed in our lives. It really is true; LOVE IS IN THE DETAILS!